Eragon: It’s Been Seen at Least Once
Stefen Fangmeier, 2006
I think it’s safe to say that our current moviegoing culture is tolerant if not celebratory regarding fantasy movies. Narnia was a big deal last year. Then there’s Harry Potter, and of course Lord of the Rings was the world’s first film project to rake in an actual gazillion dollars. However, something about the new release Eragon comes across as laughable and ridiculous. Is it the dragon eggs? Evil princes? John Malkovich?
Maybe I’m wrong and director Stefen Fangmeier* will revolutionize filmmaking as we know it, and the world will never be able to return to its former pre-Eragon state. Luckily, I have someone to prepare me for this lifechanging possibility. What follows is an interview with moviegoer Cam, who had the good fortune to catch an advance screening of Eragon last week. His experience intrigued me, and I asked him for a few minutes of his time so that we the public could better comprehend what it’s like to offer up 104 minutes of your life to the dragon.
"Arrrgh!!! I hate destiny!!"
So, Cam, was it like a fantastical mind-altering drug that changed the way you see the world?
It really was, Susan. It was like a little blue pill, shaped kind of like an egg. Every time I saw the egg, I got a vision of the future. It was bleak. It was two dimensional. It was a future without a past and, strangely enough, without a foreseeable future. It lived purely in the moment, and suspended all disbelief of its own existence. Sound crazy? I know. I could hardly believe it myself. I just didn’t think they made movies like this these days.
Who was your favorite mystical beast and what do you think this says about you?
That would have to be the back-story. It was so mystical, in fact, that it never even appeared in the movie. What it says about me? Well, Susan, I think it says I HATE FAIRY TALES WITH NO MEAT ON THEIR BONES.
"So, I said to the evil prince, 'There's NO WAY you're going through with your plan,' and he was all 'Oh yeah?' and I was all 'Yeah!'"
"You're dreamy. Is that an egg?"
Did you totally jump when the mystery of Eragon’s heritage was revealed? (I know nothing about the book this film was based on, but I’m assuming that’s gotta be part of it.)
There was no jumping, but there was a lot of wiping my face from forehead to chin with the palm of my hand, like a working-class father of seven who’s just been handed a pink slip two weeks before Christmas.
If you could recast the main characters, who would you choose?
Your question is obviously presumptuous of my disliking this film, which is on target, but you know Susan, I just don’t know if that would cure the problem. Jeremy Irons can be great when he’s allowed to say what he wants (see his instructions on how to keep kids out of a parent’s bedroom from his 12/13 appearance on Conan. John Malkovich is obviously a very capable actor as well, but here he’s caged by a crap role with a crap script and one failure of an evil deputy whose character would have at least provided some comic relief, were it to have been played by Christopher Walken. So I guess that’s your answer: Christopher Walken would make a better evil deputy than Robert Carlyle. Go figure.
"Wait, we're a video game."
What was the one single best part of the film?
It would have to have been the point when I realized how fun/appropriate it would have been for me to start screaming “EXIT THE DRAGON! EXIT THE DRAGON!”
Do you find that your life has changed now that it’s getting around that you’ve seen an ADVANCE SCREENING of ERAGON?
Well, I do feel I have an advantage over those who don’t see this movie and are duped into seeing the overtly hinted-at sequel via the notion of “Well, I missed the first one, but it must have been good enough to warrant a sequel, so…” Consequently, I’ll be 10 dollars richer than those fools, and that’s all the “change” I need.
*That guy has no choice but to become a director of a movie about dragons.
Posted in Fantasy
